How to respond to disrespect

Key message: There are many different types of disrespectful behavior. Every situation requires its own response. If possible, we should avoid contact with disrespectful people. When they realize that we remain calm and avoid them, this is what annoys them the most.

Definition: Disrespect is intolerant, rude or dishonest behavior towards other people and the failure to comply with legitimate social rules(see on Learn-Study-Work "What is Respect?").

If a person with great self-awareness is insulted by a disrespectful person, that person will remain calm and just shake his head. A person without self-awareness will get upset and respond with his or her own insults. In my opinion, a lack of self-awareness is the reason why people behave disrespectfully.

There are two reasons for a lack of self-confidence:

1. Those who have had very bad experiences with other people in their lives lose their self-confidence and develop hate. Hate arises from "disappointed love", by which is meant physical and psychological violence (denied recognition, withdrawal of love).

 "Astrid Lindgren said in her acceptance speech on the occasion of the Peace Prize of the German Book Trade (1978) ... 'In no newborn child is there a seed slumbering from which good or evil will necessarily sprout. Whether a child grows up to be a warm-hearted, open and trusting person with a sense of the common good or a cold, destructive, egoistic person is decided by those to whom the child is entrusted in this world, depending on whether they show him what love is, or not.' Research has confirmed the children's author's thesis. ... People who were beaten a lot in childhood are 4.5 times more likely to be violent themselves as adults compared to 'beloved children,' according to their own reports. They were also 6.5 times as likely to have seriously considered suicide." (www.sabine-ihle.ch/dokumente/gewaltfreie-erziehung.pdf, 11.08.22, p. 12)

Example of missing self-confidence:
"As the psychotherapy progresses, it also becomes possible for the patient to make a connection to her experience as a child and adolescent in her parents' home. She reports that her strict and successful parents had always taught her that one had to perform a lot in order to be somebody. As a rule, her parents had responded to school failures or average performance with accusations or - what had been even worse - with an icy silence. She had usually blamed herself for it." (Sternek, K. (2013). Erfolg und Misserfolg. Zur Aktualität und psychotherapeutischen Bedeutung der Untersuchungen von Ferdinand Hoppe. Phänomenal–Zeitschrift für Gestalttheorefische Psychotherapie, 5(1-2), p. 57)

2. Anyone who thinks he or she is better than other people loses the recognition of others and thus enters a vicious circle: the denied recognition causes more arrogance, which makes the recognition even smaller.

Example "narcissistic (self-loving) men":

"The narcissistic man likes to show his brilliant side. ... For all his self-assurance, he can ultimately only be tolerated in small doses. ... He must be the center of attention ... and needs constant confirmation. ... He has no respect for anything or anyone ... In reality, besides the grandiose ego, there is an enormous emotional insecurity ... If they [narcissistic men] are not praised at work, if they cannot develop a distinct positive sense of identity, they fail mercilessly. Then the people around them are turned into scapegoats ..." (Telfener, U. (2017). Hilfe, ich liebe einen Narzissten!: Überlebensstrategien für alle Betroffenen. Arkana, p. 26 - 31)

There are many different types of disrespectful behavior. Every situation is different. When a person treats me disrespectfully, the following thought process should go on in my head:

1. Is it really disrespect or a misunderstanding?
2. Stay calm. If it is disrespect, there are many ways to respond.
3. I need to analyze the situation. E.g., how big is the disrespect and how dangerous is the offender?
4. How should I respond to the disrespect in this situation?

Each of the following responses is correct in a particular situation:

1. I can submit to the person and accept the disrespectful behavior.
If there is a higher goal at stake, it may be right for me to submit to the disrespectful person. For example, if a person threatens me with a firearm and says, "Give me your money!" Then I do whatever the person asks in order to survive. Other example: If I am on probation at a new company and a new colleague is disrespectful to me, then I don't fight back. I can do that when the probationary period is over.

2. I can ignore the disrespectful behavior.
I simply do not react. This is useful, for example, if the disrespectful action is not of great importance or if the person is afraid of me. For example, if a new colleague is afraid that I will talk badly about him to the boss, he may attack me. By not reacting, that person sees that I don't want a fight and we can become friends.

3. I can tell the person to treat me with respect without discussion.
To people who have no respect and lie, we should speak our mind without discussing with them. Liars cannot be convinced with arguments. For example, if someone yells at me, then I can say to the person, "I feel it is very impolite of you to yell at me." Or if the person makes a derogatory comment, then I ask, "Are you trying to insult me?"

In the USA, "Stop - Walk - Talk" is taught to children to avoid bullying, see e.g. www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKbtmrCxC1g.

4. I can have a rational discussion with the person.

We need to distinguish between a person who is temporarily disrespectful and a "certified asshole." With the first person an objective conversation makes sense.

"It isn't fair to call someone a certified asshole based on a single episode ... Nearly all of us act like assholes at times ... I once became angry with a staff member who I (wrongly) believed was trying to take an office away from our group. I sent an insulting e-mail to her ... She told me, 'You made me cry.' I later apologized to her. And although I don't demean one person after another day in and day out, I was guilty of being a yerk during that episode. ... It is far harder to qualify as a certified asshole: a person needs to display a persistant pattern, to have a history of episodes ..." (Sutton, R. I. (2007). The no asshole rule: Building a civilized workplace and surviving one that isn't. Balance)

It is possible to convince a person that is temporarely disrespectful that such behavior has no long-term benefit, since only respectful people trust and help each other.

"Social trust is a fragile value; lies [and disrespectful behavior] initiate its disintegration. We all pay a price in reduced willingness to trust others and to enjoy the benefits that such trust makes possible." (Smith, T. (2003). The metaphysical case for honesty. The Journal of Value Inquiry, 37, p. 517)

5. I can get upset and argue emotionally with the person.
If I react like this, it will probably lead to a long conflict. Therefore I should remember that there is no point in "wasting" my energy if I cannot change something.

But sometimes you can't help but react emotionally. Then you should apologize for your behavior afterwards.

6. I can defend myself against the person's disrespect.

If the person sees that I am fighting back, then hopefully they will stop their disrespectful behavior.

Every person has the right to self-defense. § 227 of the German Civil Code states:

"(1) An act required by self-defense is not unlawful.
(2) Self-defense is that defense which is necessary to avert a present unlawful attack from oneself or another."

The attack must be imminent or just happened. It must not have happened some time ago. § 230 BGB says:"Self-help may not go further than is necessary to avert the danger."

So if I am physically attacked, then I may defend myself appropriately. I am also allowed to defend myself against psychological attacks (mobbing, insult, defamation, spreading false facts), but not with physical violence, but in court.

It is always important to collect evidence of the disrespectful behavior. Then there is the possibility to take action against it. Disrespectful people do not like it at all when their behavior is made public.

7. I can defend myself against a person's disrespectful behavior by treating the person disrespectfully as well.
I know of examples where this has been successful, but it doesn't change the fundamental problem. If a disrespectful person leaves me alone, then he or she will look for another "victim". The person will say to himself, "He is just like me. Being disrespectful is normal. It just depends on who is stronger."

Ongoing disrespect can hurt a person's soul. I can resolve to remain calm and react thoughtfully when I feel disrespected, but if my soul has already been hurt by the disrespect I have experienced, I probably won't be able to do that.

What can we do to stay calm?

We should be unemotional towards disrespectful people and avoid contact if possible. If they notice that we stay calm and avoid them, this annoys them the most and they will hopefully leave us alone.

"Let people talk ... Stay polite and don't say anything. That annoys them the most." (The band "Die Ärzte" in their song "Lasse redn")

However, it is not about annoying disrespectful people, but about showing them that disrespect is not beneficial in the long run. Disrespectful people have two problems: they have no true friends and they don't learn from others.

1. Two disrespectful people are only friends as long as they have a common "enemy." If such an "enemy" loses importance, they begin to argue among themselves.
2. A person can acquire a great deal of knowledge, but many problems today are so complex that they can only be solved if several people work together. Disrespect prevents people from helping each other. Therefore, disrespectful people fail when they try to solve complex problems.

Seen this way, we could almost feel sorry for disrespectful people. But that would be wrong, because they have to understand for themselves that they need to change.

Disrespectful people want to pursue their own interests without regard for others, or they take pleasure in harming others. To remain calm in the face of disrespect, we must accept that we cannot get upset about every injustice and stupidity in our world. How we should react depends on the situation (see above).

Defending against disrespectful behavior takes energy. When I am insulted, I get angry about the insult for a while before I forget it. But being angry in silence is better than doing something "stupid" or trying to suppress the insult with, for example, alcohol or pills.

However, if a disrespectful person approaches us politely, we should not react dismissively, because we do not want to further damage that person's self-confidence. But we should still keep our distance, because this politeness can quickly turn into aggression if something doesn't happen the way the disrespectful person expects it to. We must not give in to the illusion that such a person will change quickly.

If I have a wounded soul, then I'm at risk of feeling stressed and very bad when I'm treated disrespectfully. This can also negatively impact my relationships with people I love.

"When we are stressed, those around us notice it too. We are more thin-skinned, more easily irritable and often let little things upset us. ... People who have been suffering from chronic stress for a long time often begin to withdraw from other people. ... It is better to maintain a good social network. It is one of our most important weapons in the fight against stress." (www.barmer.de/gesundheit-verstehen/psyche/stress/stress-und-soziale-beziehungen-1059148, 30.08.23)

If negative experiences have hurt my soul, then I need peace and positive experiences so that it can heal again.

We can have positive experiences with respectful people in particular. However, you can't tell a person's character by the tip of their nose. It would be particularly disappointing if we were friendly to a person and were then treated disrespectfully by that person. We should therefore distinguish between politeness and friendliness. We can be polite to anyone because there are no emotions involved (we remain detached). When we are friendly to a person, we hope for a positive reaction. But friendship is a goal that cannot be achieved quickly: therfore first politeness, then friendliness.

Whether a person is respectful towards others is part of his or her personality. A person's personality traits are described by the "Big Five" model or the HEXACO model (https://hexaco.org/scaledescriptions, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HEXACO_model_of_personality_structure, 10/13/24).

You might think that a respectful person with the appropriate personality traits is popular everywhere. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

The appropriate response to disrespectful behavior depends on the situation a person finds themselves in. A situation is the set of circumstances that exist at a specific point in time (see "How to analyze situations?" on Learn-Study-Work). A person's life consists of a sequence of situations. In each situation, a person wants to act in a way that will lead to success. To do so, they must analyze the situation and then make a decision.

In many everyday situations, such a decision is easy for us. When we are treated disrespectfully, this is often not the case. We have various ways of reacting. Each possible reaction has a different probability of being successful. We need to consider not only the short-term but also the long-term consequences of a reaction. We usually don't have the time for that. So it makes sense to think about it in advance:

• Which reactions are possible in principle (see above)?In some situations we can react, in other situations we are powerless.
• We should try to avoid particularly unpleasant, dangerous situations.
• Which reactions would we probably regret afterwards?

If we are prepared for disrespectful behavior, it is easier for us to stay calm and react correctly.

Read the first part of this text "What is Respect?"

Read on Learn-Study-Work "How to solve problems", "What is Science?", "How to write a text", "What is Health?", "How to define words"

en français: "Qu'est-ce que le respect ?", "Comment réagir à un comportement irrespectueux ?", "Comment écrire un texte ?", "Comment définir des mots"

en español: "¿Qué es el respeto?", "¿Como responder a la falta de respeto?"

in italiano: "Cosa è il rispetto?", "Come reagire alla mancanza di rispetto?"

हिंदी भाषा में: "आदर क्या है ?"

बंगाली बंगाली में: "সম্মান কি ?"